In the not too distant past, I was scared of not being liked, disappointing people, and not being accepted. I thought if everybody liked me, then I was ‘good’ – that I was valuable. I’ve come to realize that if everybody likes you, there’s a huge problem. I want to talk a little bit more about my journey from being a people pleasing nice guy to being a confident alpha male. I also want to share some of the surprising things that happened when I finally learned to say ‘no.’ The nice guy syndrome is doing nice things or actions in order to get something in return, whereas, people-pleasers are trying to make people like them. When I learned to say ‘no’, it was like a drug although the first time was hard.
What happens when you start standing up for yourself?
- Finding out who you real friends are – when I started standing up for myself and saying no, I lost friends. These were never truly my friends but they vanished like cockroaches. They weren’t getting from me what I had been giving them. I also got rid of people by identifying people that were toxic and not giving me what I needed. Toxic people aren’t necessarily ‘bad’ people but they’re not good for you.
- Kicking the bad senorita to the curb – you realize you deserve better, and you move forward from the negative relationship. Instead, find a relationship with a woman that you find valuable and who finds you valuable.
- Discovering you’re an incredible person – I realized I wasn’t perfect by any means, but I discovered that I am a good person who is valuable and lucky to be in other people’s lives. I started attracting more valuable people.
- Having better relationships – I was able to have better relationships with my parents because I was finally able to forgive them for not being perfect. Therapy really helps me to get to this point where I stopped blaming my parents. I’ve come to realize that good people do bad things and sometimes we are collateral damage to other people’s crap. Once you forgive, you can heal and move forward. Get 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp and get matched with a therapist who will listen & help.
- Not apologizing for things that aren’t your fault – nice guys tend to apologize for everything because they want to get along with everyone. I stopped doing that and became less stressed. So much anxiety goes into trying to make everybody happy. When you start taking care of yourself, you’re not as worried about disappointing people and saying ‘no.’
- Building confidence – confidence can be an elusive thing. I’ve been chasing it my whole life. When I started saying ‘no’ and taking risks, I ended up having some failures. But they taught me that it’s okay and that I’ll survive. I became stronger, and my confidence grew. You have to put yourself out there to truly change your life.